august 25th, 2023

Loneliness is a blessing disguised as a sentence, a punishment. For an overthinking mind, it becomes exhausting when you are constantly preoccupied maintaining an image, or a face, or a mask to make yourself seem tolerable for other people. The persistent anxiety of the other is a curse of the mind, and it is not the other’s fault. In fact, there’s nothing the other can do. No matter how hard they want to or try, it is impossible to fix the mental issues of the other. Sometimes energies just don’t mix, and no matter how much either party can relax into their social circumstance, both parties will always feel tension, and it doesn’t end until there’s space. 

I have been a very bad friend. I have said and done things unconsciously or with good intentions, and yet I have hurt people. I wholeheartedly believe this is a statement that every individual on the planet can relate to, and I need to continue to remind myself, or else guilt will pull me down slope. In the end, I am responsible for everything that happens in my life, even when it seems to have happened by chance, without my acting upon it. If I was ever wronged, I was deserving, because I believe in karma. Innocence cannot save you, but it can make you naive.

Guilt is a feeling I’ve felt a great lot, and I believe it is a result of me becoming more aware of myself, my mistakes, and failings as a human being. I know I will fail more, but I need not bully myself, but rather learn from the guilt, and try to forgive myself. I have to, or else there is no point. It’s a necessity. And it doesn’t matter what the other feels or does not feel, I am responsible for myself, and all I can do is become more responsible for myself. If an other meshes well, a connection will be made, and I trust that will happen in time. For now, loneliness is not a problem, for I can pour back into my own cup, ready to fill someone else’s, someone who will happily share in that.

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